Sleeping with Ghosts
by Flameofdeath
Summary: Remus locks himself in his room since Sirius died. SONGFIC SLASH HINTS Can this man cope with reality? R


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"Sleeping with Ghosts"

_A/N: Remus mourns for Sirius's death, contemplating life and how to live_

Songfic to: Placebo's "Sleeping with Ghosts"

_The sea's evaporated  
Though it comes as no surprise  
These clouds we're seeing  
Their explosions in the sky  
It seems it's written  
But we can't read between the line_

Remus wouldn't get up from bed. No matter how many times Molly, Tonks, or anyone, even Harry came to the door, he would give no answer.

This didn't hurt him this much, he kept telling himself. 'This is not the worst moment of my life', he lied. 

Sirius wasn't dead. He would come in bounding as soon as possible, routinely complaining about his prison like conditions. And Remus would always answer the same way, that is was for Sirius's own good and promise that they would go out, in the open, one day. It was a soulmate's promise. And like a loyal friend, Sirius had always believed him. 

Tears ran down Remus's cheeks, landing on the bed to replenish the other nearly-dried pools of salt water that lay just below him. He didn't bother to get a tissue. He was crying 12 years worth of tears. 12 years worth of loneliness. It took him those 12 years to find out that he loved Sirius Black...and only a few days ago, he was doomed to repeat another 12 years of loneliness. Remus tightened the comforter around him, despite the extreme heat. He didn't feel anything anymore, except the empty, cold space that he felt. 

Heartbreak and tragedy wasn't like people described. It wasn't the wrenching of the soul like some said. Or the tearing apart of humanity, or loss of sanity and compassion, like even more stated. It was, there and then, gone. Empty. 

But how he longed for warmth. The warmth that until now, despite his years of hardship, he never appreciated as much as he should have. But it's a known fact that people don't fully understand or appreciate something until it becomes unattainable. And to Remus Lupin, love, friendship, companionship...was all beyond his reach now. He whimpered and let the flood of tears that had gathered behind his eyelids fall. 

_Hush  
It's okay  
Dry your eye  
Dry your eye_

How many other Remus Lupins would be there? How many were there already? People who had lost people that meant the absolute most to them? 

How many more times would he be stabbed by the cruel hand of fate? Would he forever be damned, never to see the Fields of Heaven?

Would he always be alone?

_Soulmate dry your eye  
Dry your eye  
Soulmate dry your eye  
Cause soulmates never die_

He turned to the other side of the bed, ready to bestow his lonely tears on the mattress as well. "Sirius...." he whispered, softly, closing his eyes, trying to conjure up a picture of the man in his mind. He was frightened by how hard it was to recall his exact features. Slowly, small parts started coming to him. Black hair, azure eyes.... sharp chin and set jaws. Body rather muscular but not too buff. Relaxing a little, he allowed himself to recall some happy moments with the man. Like the day his friends found out he was a werewolf, and it was Sirius who came up with the idea of being Animagus. Pictures of Padfoot, young and old, padding about, the playful yet loyal being he was. The man who pranced about, nearly wrecking the wedding cake at the Potters' wedding.

Suddenly, unwanted images leaked their way into his mind. Images of Sirius and Remus screaming at each other. Particularly within the year that they found out a spy dwelt in their midst. The distrust that lay between them that year...the cold glances they gave each other when they thought no one was looking. The suspicious glares they directed at one another, purposely trying to wound the other one. But in return, after all these years, their actions have indeed come back to haunt them, nearly cutting themselves apart. Or rather, Remus. 

Involuntarily, he raised the comforter over his head, like a little child trying to keep out the demons of the night that might punish him for some deed. In actuality, Remus was trying to keep demons from punishing him anymore. 

Demons most of us call truth and reality. 

_This one world vision  
Turns us in to compromise  
What good's religion  
When it's each other we despise_

Remus had laid the blame on someone ever week. Lying in his bed, he would swear never to speak to the person ever again, only to feel extremely guilty after that person would come in his room and somehow show concern for his well-being. He was being childish, and deep down inside, he knew it. His hostility towards the Order had grown tremendously. The organization that was his salvation, his life's work, and what represented what he truly believed in, had suddenly lost its dignity, and the feeling of satisfaction in helping another life had turned to a bitter taste. It was as if fate was taunting him, daring him to perform some radical change in his life. Life was unpredictable like that, he had told Sirius, the day before the fateful duel. 

And now, he'd like nothing but to repeat Sirius's words. Bull-shit. 

So he did. He whispered his blasphemous ungrateful words about those he had grown to hate, confiding only in the confining darkness around him...the only entity that seemed to rejoice in despair, death, and doom. The darkness was his only shield, his only form of denial and defiance against the harsh slap of truth and reality.

_Damn the government  
Damn the killing  
Damn the lies_

Remus had stood on the dais as everyone was tending to their wounds after the fight with Voldemort and his Death Eaters. While the conscious were glaring at Cornelius Fudge and murmuring their concerns about future attacks, he stared at the veil which fluttered invitingly. Oh, how he wanted to go so badly. To where James, Lily, and Sirius all were. His friends...his family...the people he loved.

He had walked, his fingers not quite touching the veil, when thought struck him. What would he say to them all when he saw them? That he had just left Harry behind? After all the boy went through, Remus would just abandon him? He slowly, and reluctantly turned away. 

_Hush  
It's okay  
Dry your eyes  
Dry your eyes_

Remembering all this, Remus squeezed his eyelids shut, and flipped over on the bed, as if the change in position would block out the memories. Slowly, and gradually, as he had been doing for the past few days, he tried letting go, tried accepting it. He reluctantly, yet resolutely let go of the comforter, and allowed the stretched material to revert back to its normal length, covering him from waist to feet. His light brown hair was messy and sprawled across the pillow, tragically beautiful. His ragged breath slowed, and his sobs were more drawn out and calm. 

And like always, he would see Sirius in his mind again and the cycle would start all over again. 

_Soulmate dry your eyes  
Dry your eyes  
Soulmate dry your eyes  
Cause soulmates never die_

Remus opened his eyes, giving the tears free passage. Perhaps it was hallucination, or maybe the tears distorted his vision, but at that point, he was willing to bet everything that Sirius Black was sitting right in front of him, that mournful look he had seemed to sport the few days before his passing.

Opening his mouth, trying to speak, he found that in the habit of not speaking, he could only manage a choked sob as a silent plea. A plea for what?, one may ask. Should he be questioned, Remus would not be able to answer. The ghostly figure seemed to loom over him and a shadow of sleep hovered over his eyes as they gently closed, coaxed by the ghostly fingers and the melody of broken sobs. 

Sirius Black would watch over his mate tonight. 

_Soulmates never die  
Never die  
Soulmates never die  
Never die...  
Soulmates never die  
Soulmates never die  
Soulmates never die  
Soulmates never die_

A/N: Please read and review! You have no idea how hard it was to write this piece!


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